i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
