The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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