My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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