this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
