My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
