You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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