Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
