she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
