I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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