She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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