Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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