the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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