tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize