Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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