I will die if light touches me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
