Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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