woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
