Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
