These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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