so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
