6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sober January is a disaster.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Randomize
