Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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