i may or may not be watching the land before time
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
