I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
