so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
