having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize