once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
