I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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