Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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