Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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