I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
