I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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