Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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