I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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