Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
