before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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