I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
