the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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