You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
