I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
