His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
