I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
