im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
