What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
