4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So here I am, sexting at work.
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