I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
