Your face is a jimmy john
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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