I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I am puke
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
