morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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