So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
...so i touched it.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
