There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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