Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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