I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize