So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
